Here Comes Trouble

I've never been a fan of scary movies. I especially hated those scenes where you knew something was about to go terribly wrong like, "Wait here. I'll go ahead." The suspense was just not my cup of tea. And I've never been one for the blood and guts. Chain saws belong in the woods, buzzing into tree trunks. This weekend though, it seems I'm living the drama.

I got up Friday morning and gave Evan a shower. As I got out I thought, "Gee. That's weird. A twinge in my neck." An hour later I had a full blown left-sided stiff neck. It made watching Cirque do Soleil really fun. Looking up at the trapeze act. Turning around to watch the clowns and performers walk in. Always a great show but different when it's miserable to look up, left, or right. Then, at 2 AM I wake up with heartburn. Da-dun, da-dun….

I know this script. These are the plot points that lead up to the scene where I get sick. The stiff neck is the scene where the viral aliens land and begin plotting their work. The heartburn is the usually the scene where the first viral zombies arrive, establish camp, and prepare to launch their attack within 24 hours.

The movie doesn't have to end with my getting slaughtered with a pre-spring cold, but it usually does. I think audiences find it just too unbelievable if I strike back at this point and send the enemy into a sound retreat, wooden stakes driven through their tiny viral chest walls. No, the audience expects screams and terror.

I'm going to try my best to turn this one into a comedy well before any body parts get hacked and bloodied. Regardless of how it goes, take my advice:  Change the channel.