The Worrier

I'm a worrier. The worst kind. Like a smoker who continues with their habit in spite of the risks, I continue to worry in spite of recognizing the emotional and physical cost and the fact that, statistically, the concerns that generate one's worry rarely materialize. I try to keep that in mind but find little comfort in the fact. When I have a patient who is not doing well I worry. Was it me? Was it something I did? Are they getting better? Will they get better?

It's not just me. When I ask around of colleagues they tell me the same: They are affected to a similar degree. I think a lot of docs are in healthcare because of a need to please, to do right. "Performance based esteem" in the words of psychologist Terrance Real.

At any rate, and for whatever reason, I worry about when things don't meet my expectation or that of my patient. For example, Tuesday I saw a name on the patient list for Wednesday that made me fret. I replaced the hip of this man in his 50's earlier this year. He has been frustrated by post surgical pain, weakness, and slow progress. Frankly, I too am frustrated when this occurs-- and fortunately it's infrequent. So, Tuesday I started to wonder, to worry, how is he doing?  Is he disappointed? Is he sorry he had me do his surgery? Have I injured this man? As often happens, I woke up at 4:30 Wednesday morning and lay in bed awake, resuming this agonizing dialogue in my head.

Of course, as happens 99.8% of the time, when I saw him Wednesday afternoon he was doing well. He could golf pain free where he could not golf at all just last year. He could walk without crutches or a cane where he could not in the past year or two prior.  He was still having some pain after walking about a mile but, he reported, he was continuing to make steady progress. Whew!

Like most all worries, this one turned out to be unfounded: He's doing well and he's satisfied with his surgery. And, like all worry, my concern, distraction, and loss of sleep did not affect the outcome and it did nothing to make me feel better.

Worry takes, it never gives. You should remember that. I know that and, next time-- I'll probably still worry. Dammit all anyway.