How the Grinch Spent Halloween

I played the Grinch last night. On a night when so many little kids were out scouring the neighborhoods for candy and treats, I holed up in the den, lights low, reviewing someone else's legal issues, looking at my daughter's essays for medical school applications, and writing a proposal for the hospital Board of Trustees-- fun! But before all that I first went out for Chinese and sat there feeling guilty, knowing there was plenty of time and multiple venues between that restaurant and home where I could rush in and arm myself with candy. But I didn’t. I finished my dinner, ate my fortune cookie, and headed home with the hope no one would go hurrying expectantly to the front door after seeing me pull into the driveway. No, the porch light remained off and I remained undisturbed except for that nagging little angel sitting on my left shoulder asking me why I wasn't giving out candy.

As I struggled with my decision I remembered what Tam had told me: Don’t do it! She reminded me how last year I got a bit snippy with great big mommas holding out pillow cases for infants in arms and babes in strollers. And with the parents and kids who hold out second and third bags for sick kids at home. And especially with the kids not in costume who didn’t need coffee grounds to make a fake beard—they just skipped shaving that morning. And, too, with the 1/3 or more who couldn’t say “trick or treat” let alone “thank you.” Nonetheless, I felt kinda bad hiding out in the den for three hours.

Next year I may return to answering the ding-dong doorbell of trick or treaters. But first they’ll have to get by the sign in the yard. Next to the sign will be a post with a high line drawn at about 70” and a low line drawn at about 30.” Next to that post the sign will read:

ALL TRICK OR TREATERS MUST BE:

TALLER THAN THE BOTTOM LINE

SHORTER THAN THE TOP LINE

UPRIGHT AND WALKING WITHOUT SUPPORT

ABLE AND WILLING TO SAY “TRICK OR TREAT” AND “THANK YOU”

UNDER THE AGE OF 19

(WE CARD WE CARE—PLEASE BE READY TO SHOW GOVERNMENT ISSUED PHOTO ID)

IN COSTUME

PRESENT TO COLLECT

(WE REGRET THAT TREATS CANNOT BE PROVIDED FOR ABSENT PARTIES REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE)

Yeah, now that’s the spirit!